Yeah, right...

So, the season of the fall begins...

The season of denial, the season of betrayal, the season when leaves are shot down and killed, when cold winds whip the face, when the night steals hours from the day...
Not quite?
Maybe the season of falling like a leaf, the season of long nights in a warm home, the season of books and cookies, the season of life pulsating underneath the frozen surface.

I've been a teaser for so long I can't even remember... and yet, I find myself overwhelmed by words, by your words, by your ways, by your smiles. And I keep saying I'm alright, I'm a grown up, I can handle it, I can joke about my real thoughts, I can say the opposite of what I really think, just to feel safe.
But I know I want to be a child, I want to be free, I want to embrace you, I want to feel you in every beating of my heart, I don't want to vocalize my wishes and dreams so that they could have the chance to come true...

Sometimes I feel that everything is a game, a silly game of "who says it better without saying it". Sometimes I feel that it's a kind of "peek-a-boo, i see what you mean behind those words", a kind of "let's play hide and seek. I'll hide and you'll seek".
And I know that sometimes my true thoughts are seen as a game, are seen as shallow word and frail phrases...

The season of denial...
denial of what I truly want to say, covering the truth in a more pleasant wrapping, with glitter and bows..
denial of what I truly wish, of what I dream of.

The season of betrayal...
betrayal of my former wishes, of my current words, so that nobody could guess me that easy.
betrayal of life, a life that laughs in my face, in this face that it splashed while driving fast forward in my past.
betrayal of my tears, hidden by a smile to a joke and then by my pillow.

The season the fallen leaves, cold winds, short days...
the fall, the autumn, the slow death that creeps upon when you least expect it.
the cold rain and bitter winds, the feeling that all good things will soon come to an end.

The season of falling like a leaf..
or like a star, falling into unknown territory, falling into an uncharted wonderland.
falling into a dream, into a wish, into a blown candle, into a coin in the fountain...

The season of long nights...
after all, time is relative, long nights, long hugs and infinite kisses...

The season of books and cookies...
when I am a child again, reading until late in the night, drinking milk with cookies and waiting for a good-night kiss and tuck.
when I can wait for Santa and I can pretend to be a pixie fairy or an elf.

The season of life pulsating underneath the frozen surface....
under my surface, beneath the words, beneath the teasing, beneath the "yeah right"s...
pulsating life and feelings, secretly, biting my tongue to keep them silent, selling out my secret life, confessing my dreams with a simple look, word, gesture, glare...