the secrets of the rain

I feel you... my past, my present and my future crowded in four pulsating chambers...

And within you all...

My innocent past, smothered by guilt and sharp tears...

My present... without words... like the ninth million bicycle in Beijing...

My future... hiding in the ashes of this godforsaken present...

I lost you... you went away so long ago... I still can touch the things you gave me... but they've become empty of you... why did you leave us behind, why didn't you enlighten me more... why haven't you been there for me when I started dying inside? when my childhood started dying piece by piece...

I'm loosing you... it's the curse of my nature... what goes around comes around and hits you in the face... the talent of my careless acts that bruise easily and deeply...

I'll be loosing you someday... when I'll be too old and too addicted to you... when I'll start to smother you and when you'll no longer need me beside you... and it will be too late for me to realize what I have done...

I cried for you... in the past, grasping what you have left behind, trying to fall asleep and to wake up finding you there, in your seat, warm and kind, wise and loving, funny and inventive, serious and strict, but always there, like the promise for a "happily ever after"... and yet you went and my story's "grand finally"shattered into pieces, like the mirror of the Ice Queen....

I'm crying for you, for me, for our silences, for my thoughts... for what I've done and for what I couldn't do...for what I think might happen and might be said... for missing time to spend with you, for missing words I meant to tell you, for missing kisses I meant to give you, for missing ways to show what I feel for you... for missing the time to show you the stars in this clear night sky I'm looking at...

I'll be crying for you... both if I'll loose the chance to have you and for having you... when I'll have you around and when you won't be with me... for our lives, for your misfortune to have me there... and I'll be crying when I'll feel that you'll be crying...


What am I doing here? Why am I still here? Why can't I just leave, leave this life behind... go back, ask my mother to give me a new birth... a new beginning, to wipe away the mistakes... to head out in this world facing it boldly, not shaking and not shivering... and not crying myself to sleep another night...

Mother... give me a new me, a new father, a new identity, a new face, a new smile, a new path, a new voice to shout out my thoughts, to break the silenced twilight...
and please don't give me any tears...
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep... don't wake me up... maybe when the rain will end and its secrets will be washed away...